Fibromyalgia ... Yes it's real.

Who is this person I have become? Depressed, cynical and a downer Slow, unfriendly and ho-hum It's me, the ultimate frowner Fibomyalgia, HS and migraine Satan in my skin wrapper To me he dishes out pain The ultimate kidnapper Fibro fog, boils, poker in the eye You want me to be normal? I feel like giving up, I can't deny Forgive me if I'm informal Rocking back and forth, silent tears I'm not a hypochondriac I've been feeling it for years Now I'm an insomniac My old life has been taken from me Against my will I started anew Daily I prayed and took a knee I'm finding it hard to follow through I have now become the great pretender Faking each day "look I'm fine" When you aren't looking I surrender Always grasping for a lifeline I should take joy in other's bounty Of course I know what's right Complete jealousy confounds me Sunny days have become night There are many ways to be sick And many more to ...

It's been a crazy month or so. My daughter's dog got out and was hit by a car. The person took him to the cemetery and laid him under a tree. She received a call a day or so later on where to find him. My husband and I picked him up and brought him home. I then went with my daughter to the vet. We took his body to be cremated. That was on a Monday. The next Monday I had to take my own dog to the same vet to be put to sleep. My little Peanut was 16 1/2 years old and her little body just couldn't take it anymore. I should get her ashes back today. I filed for disability at the beginning of May. I was scheduled for physical and mental exams. I had my physical exam last week. The doctor seemed very kind. I go for my mental exam toward the end of this month.  I kind of wish it was sooner. I feel like I could really use a pro opinion on my mental status right now. I was depressed before, but now...it's off the charts.  I wanted to blog about it a week ago, I just couldn...

I've always tried to live by the code "Do things for others without expecting anything in return". As a general rule, I've done pretty well by it. I give and it fills my heart with joy. Whether it is a hand made gift, donation, random call or text when I hadn't heard for someone to make sure they were okay, or even throw showers and parties when my pocketbook was empty.  I enjoy giving and helping others. Now I know, not everyone is the same, and it is silly to think everyone thinks the same way I do, but I have hit a barrier I'm not quite sure what to do with. I have had Fibromyalgia, Hidranitis Supporativa, and chronic migraines for about eight years now. During this time, I have continued my code and even done more than before for others. I can not tell you how much time, effort, and money my husband and I have spent doing for others, even when I felt horrible and could barely get out of bed. The past few years have started to really wear on me and my cod...

Another outbreak, another flare What am I to do? How many times must I say I can't come see you. I've said it once Even said it twice Why do you not hear? I've made it plain and simple I've made it quite clear. I have Chronic Illness' Hidranitis Suppurlativa, Migraines  Fibromyalgia, too Come see for your own witness It's not a slight to you. No, I will not ask for help Or beg you to help with my duties I'd rather suffer in silence Than ask for a handful of groupies I didn't wish or ask for this curse Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy Yes, I've read the Book of Job It only works so much for therapy. No, I'm not mad at you I live a tricky existence Boils, headaches and flu like pain Praying for my body's resistance. Sometimes I don't answer your text or call All I want to do is complain You'd get tired of hearing it all I get tired of trying to explain. I h...

I tremble at the thought of another storm I wonder if it will be fierce and quick Never see the direction it is from Or a slow, steady, continuous drip Each way can ruin the nourished land With a peculiar way to strike One most silent and the other grand Trying to overtake the dike The clouds open in hatred and fury Boisterous, malevolent, cutting with spite The land stands and takes it bravely For it is ... it's birthright! The monotonous drizzle does the same But it is shrewd and calculating Some would say "it's just a little rain" No doubt the best at manipulating You can use your lightning torch And your subtle swooning waves This tough layer you can't scorch Or even begin to scathe! I will stand watch and prepare for both My plans you can not foil To myself a solemn, ardent oath You won't erode my soil  ~Tina McNeill

Some of you may know I live in Oklahoma. The weather is crazy, but it's one of the things I love about it. It's easy to be an armchair storm chaser here with the live coverage of deadly tornadoes. As the season approaches, so does the ugly Hidradenitis Suppu rativa (HS) The weather has gone from cold to hot as Hades in the span of two days! I took a couple of hours last Saturday to hop on the riding lawn mower and mow the backyard. Picked up a little trash here and there. I painted an old dresser I had. By 2:00pm I was done! Exhausted, but done.  I had only sweat a little, I took plenty of breaks in between and a good long shower afterwards. The next morning reality set in. I could barely move and my arm had kept me up most of the night. I was grateful for the numbness that occurred off and on for a reprieve from the pain. I started feeling the dreadful symptoms of boils forming. I knew this would happen. It always does. Here I am on a Tuesday morning, laid up with multiple...

It's been a REALLY rough couple of months. I need to have some sort of release...so here it is. I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS).  I have had it for the past 7 years. I also have chronic migraines. Let's add to the list, Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), a skin disease, basically large boils in parts of the body that are mostly hidden.  I would like to also add, due to these illnesses, I suffer from depression.  I didn't ask for these burdens. I have battled with them for years and years. The older I get, (I'm 48), the worse my health gets. I get it, I'm no spring chicken anymore. I have changed from an extreme extrovert to almost a recluse. I have lost all of my friends, other than the usually following on Facebook. I don't see family as much as I used to.  This isn't because I have cut everyone off, it's because others are able to continue living their lives, while mine, basically stands still. I wake up each morning with a new outlook. Not your typ...

Bright ideas course through the mind Excitement starts taking control I briefly forgot I’ve been redefined Sucked into a black hole Thoughts of joy come through in tiny pieces The laughter strikes a chord As my anxiety and panic slowly increases It’s more than my brain can afford The energy to do a common chore Seems like not such a big deal But when the body hurts to the core The pain becomes extremely real Can’t take time to smell the roses Or go for a nice long walk It’s not what my broken body proposes Even though we’ve had a serious talk The big green monster raises his head It’s not fair you have a cure I’m not sure if the research is dead Don’t know how much I can endure Folks say it will all be okay You’ll get through all this and see They don’t know it’s not just today The pain just won’t let me be The internal voices in your head Though I'm aware what you think Sure, aloud that’s not what you said But it's there like permanent ink Your raised eyebrow and judging to...

It's been a while since I posted. Much has happened.  I have a new Grandson! He is perfect of course! I've been watching him for the past 10 months and finally had to stop.  You see, he started crawling.  The constant bend over and 20 lb. weight ... I bet you get the picture. It was so hard to make the decision I couldn't babysit him anymore.  I had also been watching his 6 year old sister.  I had to tell my daughter, "You are going to have to find daycare." To some this may not be a big deal, but to our family, it was agonizing.  I have such guilt. I'm only 47 years old. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to handle two of the biggest joys of my life. Oh wait, yes there is. Fibromyalgia (FMS).  Not only would I not be able to care for my grand babies, but my daughter and son-in-law will have to leave their children in an unfamiliar place, and pay thousands of dollars to do so.    My husband and I are also in the process of buying a ho...

I am at my wits end. FMS has been taking small pieces of me away for 3 years. My vibrance, my energy, my muscle mass, my curved figure, my love for life, my life outside the home, my sanity, and now ... intimate moments with my husband.  Sexual activity, even when it would hurt the joints and muscles, was still better than no sex.  My husband has been my rock through thick and thin for the past 16 years.  He has always been there to catch me when I fall, wipe away the tears and give me encouragement when I think I just can't live another day with this demon called Fibromyalgia. Sex is the one thing that makes me feel like a woman.  Now part of that may be over for me. The combination of FMS, the drugs I take for FMS and CFS and depression has now caused me to not be able to achieve orgasm.  I pray my husband will love me regardless of what happens to me. I am scared he will run across a woman like I used to be. The woman he first fell in love with. As if I did...

I know it's been a while since I've posted.  I've been on Cymbalta for a while now. It did a pretty good job until my body decided to have a major flare! My back, neck and hips hurt pretty bad. I've learned to deal with the pain the best I can. But about a month ago, my arms started hurting so bad.  I haven't been able to do much. I started crocheting about a year ago and it has helped me sit and relax. The past week I haven't even been able to do that.  As soon as I lay down at night, my arms go numb and hurt even worse.  I went back to the doctor. I am now on Lyrica AND Cymbalta.  I also take cholesterol meds and migraine meds.  I'm starting to feel like a junkie. Should that many drugs make you feel good?  I guess it is still less than the amount of Tylenol and Advil I used to take (it didn't work).  I am also taking a sleep aid. It's not working half the time. Here it is 5:22 in the morning and I have laid down twice to sleep.  I stayed t...

Well, I went back to the doc last week. Since I started taking the Lyrica, I've gained close to 20 lbs. I was still having the occasional pain that keeps me down. I've been trying to do things to drop the weight, but alas, the fibro takes over. Add in some shin splints and you get the picture. Doc decided to ween me off the Lyrica and try Cymbalta. I could tell a difference in only 2 days. I feel like my spirit is returning! It's been a long time since I felt up to par, so I am excited to see where this leads. The first 3 days I felt really tired, but the pain started to diminish. I napped and went to bed early on those days. I'm trying to keep a decent schedule (It's very hard right now, my beloved OKC Thunder is in the 2nd round of the playoffs.) I've been able to play with my puppy outside a few times and day and actually stand long enough to cook dinner twice this week. I have really high hopes. I have twinges in my shoulders and hip every once in a whil...

This blog is a personal journal on my journey with fibromyalgia . I am not a doctor or a specialist when it comes to this topic, just a person who suffers daily with the mystery of this disease.  I have read many doctors, professionals and just all around critics do not believe it is a real disease, but from my personal experience, it is real. There are many articles on fibromyalgia , but I haven't found a great support group that completely understands the pain associated with it. Here is a history of my pain and how I came about to me diagnosed with it: The day the tsunami hit Japan in early 2011, I was riding my stationary bike and pumping 3 lb weights as I watched the coverage. I felt the normal burn, as this was not the first time I had done this. I felt a little sore the rest of the day and didn't think much of it.  I went to bed that night and was awaken by a pop in my shoulder. The pain was extreme enough for me to yell out and wake my husband up. I laid in bed for...