Fibromyalgia ... Yes it's real.

I've always tried to live by the code "Do things for others without expecting anything in return". As a general rule, I've done pretty well by it. I give and it fills my heart with joy. Whether it is a hand made gift, donation, random call or text when I hadn't heard for someone to make sure they were okay, or even throw showers and parties when my pocketbook was empty.  I enjoy giving and helping others. Now I know, not everyone is the same, and it is silly to think everyone thinks the same way I do, but I have hit a barrier I'm not quite sure what to do with. I have had Fibromyalgia, Hidranitis Supporativa, and chronic migraines for about eight years now. During this time, I have continued my code and even done more than before for others. I can not tell you how much time, effort, and money my husband and I have spent doing for others, even when I felt horrible and could barely get out of bed. The past few years have started to really wear on me and my cod...

One holiday down, Thanksgiving, and the holiday season is off to a start. The time of year when we use the most spoons. You can't go to the store and get more, you just have to keep the ones you have and reuse them daily.  I used to have a reserve set. You know, when you dig deep in the drawer and there are just enough or even a few to spare, maybe for dessert or an unexpected dish after you have thrown the other spoons into the dishwater. Maybe for that midnight piece of cheesecake your significant other put away just for you. Now, I am forced to use only the fine silver. The kind you guard like they are made of pure gold! Each one is reserved for only the most special delicacies. But what about those surprises listed above? They still show up, and I have run out of silver polish! All of the local stores are out and Amazon is offline. No one knows when they will come back online. So I am stuck. I have no spoons for days...maybe even weeks. This doesn't stop the holidays from...

I tremble at the thought of another storm I wonder if it will be fierce and quick Never see the direction it is from Or a slow, steady, continuous drip Each way can ruin the nourished land With a peculiar way to strike One most silent and the other grand Trying to overtake the dike The clouds open in hatred and fury Boisterous, malevolent, cutting with spite The land stands and takes it bravely For it is ... it's birthright! The monotonous drizzle does the same But it is shrewd and calculating Some would say "it's just a little rain" No doubt the best at manipulating You can use your lightning torch And your subtle swooning waves This tough layer you can't scorch Or even begin to scathe! I will stand watch and prepare for both My plans you can not foil To myself a solemn, ardent oath You won't erode my soil  ~Tina McNeill

She explored the four chambers Sluggish, dark, grasping for the light So many roads to choose One main outlet Traveling through the entwined maze of paths She knows she will never travel Could this be the final destination? Look at the brook Starting out as a tiny stream But flowing into the waves of despair Two outlets They both seem the same The foggy windshield with no wipers The dampness is unbearable Turning from ice cold to red lava The spark of a newly lit cigarette The well is dry The electricity moves from fingertips to head Searching Searching Searching Only but one drop to ignite the Firestorm of contentiousness One spark to light up the path Following the heavy feet Grasping for the truth Beware.  The lava has no obstacles It incinerates everything in it's path The red glow moves with ease Quickly filling each void it encounters Riding the wave Sparks of energy here and over there With each bur...

Some of you may know I live in Oklahoma. The weather is crazy, but it's one of the things I love about it. It's easy to be an armchair storm chaser here with the live coverage of deadly tornadoes. As the season approaches, so does the ugly Hidradenitis Suppu rativa (HS) The weather has gone from cold to hot as Hades in the span of two days! I took a couple of hours last Saturday to hop on the riding lawn mower and mow the backyard. Picked up a little trash here and there. I painted an old dresser I had. By 2:00pm I was done! Exhausted, but done.  I had only sweat a little, I took plenty of breaks in between and a good long shower afterwards. The next morning reality set in. I could barely move and my arm had kept me up most of the night. I was grateful for the numbness that occurred off and on for a reprieve from the pain. I started feeling the dreadful symptoms of boils forming. I knew this would happen. It always does. Here I am on a Tuesday morning, laid up with multiple...

It's been a REALLY rough couple of months. I need to have some sort of release...so here it is. I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS).  I have had it for the past 7 years. I also have chronic migraines. Let's add to the list, Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), a skin disease, basically large boils in parts of the body that are mostly hidden.  I would like to also add, due to these illnesses, I suffer from depression.  I didn't ask for these burdens. I have battled with them for years and years. The older I get, (I'm 48), the worse my health gets. I get it, I'm no spring chicken anymore. I have changed from an extreme extrovert to almost a recluse. I have lost all of my friends, other than the usually following on Facebook. I don't see family as much as I used to.  This isn't because I have cut everyone off, it's because others are able to continue living their lives, while mine, basically stands still. I wake up each morning with a new outlook. Not your typ...

Bright ideas course through the mind Excitement starts taking control I briefly forgot I’ve been redefined Sucked into a black hole Thoughts of joy come through in tiny pieces The laughter strikes a chord As my anxiety and panic slowly increases It’s more than my brain can afford The energy to do a common chore Seems like not such a big deal But when the body hurts to the core The pain becomes extremely real Can’t take time to smell the roses Or go for a nice long walk It’s not what my broken body proposes Even though we’ve had a serious talk The big green monster raises his head It’s not fair you have a cure I’m not sure if the research is dead Don’t know how much I can endure Folks say it will all be okay You’ll get through all this and see They don’t know it’s not just today The pain just won’t let me be The internal voices in your head Though I'm aware what you think Sure, aloud that’s not what you said But it's there like permanent ink Your raised eyebrow and judging to...

It's been a while since I posted. Much has happened.  I have a new Grandson! He is perfect of course! I've been watching him for the past 10 months and finally had to stop.  You see, he started crawling.  The constant bend over and 20 lb. weight ... I bet you get the picture. It was so hard to make the decision I couldn't babysit him anymore.  I had also been watching his 6 year old sister.  I had to tell my daughter, "You are going to have to find daycare." To some this may not be a big deal, but to our family, it was agonizing.  I have such guilt. I'm only 47 years old. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to handle two of the biggest joys of my life. Oh wait, yes there is. Fibromyalgia (FMS).  Not only would I not be able to care for my grand babies, but my daughter and son-in-law will have to leave their children in an unfamiliar place, and pay thousands of dollars to do so.    My husband and I are also in the process of buying a ho...

I am at my wits end. FMS has been taking small pieces of me away for 3 years. My vibrance, my energy, my muscle mass, my curved figure, my love for life, my life outside the home, my sanity, and now ... intimate moments with my husband.  Sexual activity, even when it would hurt the joints and muscles, was still better than no sex.  My husband has been my rock through thick and thin for the past 16 years.  He has always been there to catch me when I fall, wipe away the tears and give me encouragement when I think I just can't live another day with this demon called Fibromyalgia. Sex is the one thing that makes me feel like a woman.  Now part of that may be over for me. The combination of FMS, the drugs I take for FMS and CFS and depression has now caused me to not be able to achieve orgasm.  I pray my husband will love me regardless of what happens to me. I am scared he will run across a woman like I used to be. The woman he first fell in love with. As if I did...