Fibromyalgia...it changes everything
It's been a while since I posted. Much has happened. I have a new Grandson! He is perfect of course! I've been watching him for the past 10 months and finally had to stop. You see, he started crawling. The constant bend over and 20 lb. weight ... I bet you get the picture.
It was so hard to make the decision I couldn't babysit him anymore. I had also been watching his 6 year old sister. I had to tell my daughter, "You are going to have to find daycare." To some this may not be a big deal, but to our family, it was agonizing. I have such guilt. I'm only 47 years old. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to handle two of the biggest joys of my life. Oh wait, yes there is. Fibromyalgia (FMS). Not only would I not be able to care for my grand babies, but my daughter and son-in-law will have to leave their children in an unfamiliar place, and pay thousands of dollars to do so.
My husband and I are also in the process of buying a home. A home that will be our final one. It's an older home, but comes with 2.5 acres. Room to garden, plant my roses, and not constantly have people staring in my back door. I'm sure the gardening part is just a fantasy. But sometimes it's good to try and be positive. We will be getting a large riding lawn mower. I look forward to just driving and mowing. It's been a long time since I was able to help with any yard work. Hopefully, we will close on the house next week, barring any more problems. My son is buying our house we live in now. Kind of neat he is buying his childhood home.
The weather is changing into spring here in Oklahoma. The rain has started, and so have my flares. Back pain, constant fatigue, and migraines. Oh yes...the migraines. I've had one every day, except one, for the past week and a half. My Wal-Mart pharmacy has changed back to Dr. Reddy brand Sumatriptan. It is not NEAR as effective as other generic brands. Sometimes it works, but more often, not.
My photography has been put on hiatus. I do occasionally take photos of my grand kids, but that has been the extent of it for almost a year. Photography was my passion. I went to photography school from 2003-2004. It was one of the best things that helped my out of a terrible depression after almost losing our business. I threw myself into it. Then...yep you guessed it...FMS. I now only am able to keep the books for our business, because I can do it on my own time, when I am feeling up to it.
I was up one night and wrote this poem:
It was so hard to make the decision I couldn't babysit him anymore. I had also been watching his 6 year old sister. I had to tell my daughter, "You are going to have to find daycare." To some this may not be a big deal, but to our family, it was agonizing. I have such guilt. I'm only 47 years old. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to handle two of the biggest joys of my life. Oh wait, yes there is. Fibromyalgia (FMS). Not only would I not be able to care for my grand babies, but my daughter and son-in-law will have to leave their children in an unfamiliar place, and pay thousands of dollars to do so.
My husband and I are also in the process of buying a home. A home that will be our final one. It's an older home, but comes with 2.5 acres. Room to garden, plant my roses, and not constantly have people staring in my back door. I'm sure the gardening part is just a fantasy. But sometimes it's good to try and be positive. We will be getting a large riding lawn mower. I look forward to just driving and mowing. It's been a long time since I was able to help with any yard work. Hopefully, we will close on the house next week, barring any more problems. My son is buying our house we live in now. Kind of neat he is buying his childhood home.
The weather is changing into spring here in Oklahoma. The rain has started, and so have my flares. Back pain, constant fatigue, and migraines. Oh yes...the migraines. I've had one every day, except one, for the past week and a half. My Wal-Mart pharmacy has changed back to Dr. Reddy brand Sumatriptan. It is not NEAR as effective as other generic brands. Sometimes it works, but more often, not.
My photography has been put on hiatus. I do occasionally take photos of my grand kids, but that has been the extent of it for almost a year. Photography was my passion. I went to photography school from 2003-2004. It was one of the best things that helped my out of a terrible depression after almost losing our business. I threw myself into it. Then...yep you guessed it...FMS. I now only am able to keep the books for our business, because I can do it on my own time, when I am feeling up to it.
I was up one night and wrote this poem:
Where have you gone oh friend of mine?
Why have you left me?
I look in the mirror and you aren’t there
A strangers face staring back at me
I miss your smile and your confidence
I miss the happiness you embraced
Your pain shows in the recent creases
And the frown lines don’t seem to fade
You had such great expectations
And journeys around the bend
Now you struggle with identity
And all you do is pretend
How do you not feel like a failure
When all you do is fail?
I’m nothing but a caricature
A wimp with nothing to sell
I have no choice but to concede
I will always long for nostalgia
Life has changed for me indeed
his thing called Fibromyalgia
A normal life is all that’s wanted
Is that too much to ask?
My body is constantly taunted
The pain is whipping my ass
Most friends and family don’t realize
I’m out of sight out of mind
I ache for someone to sympathize
To call and just be kind
A few years back I was the rock
Trying to be there to lend a hand
Now I’ve slipped through the cracks
Broken into grainy sand
So far no possible cure
It’s hard to look ahead
For this I am very sure
Even sometimes wishing I was dead
This isn’t a cry for attention
Or even close to a suicide note
Just an immersion of contemplation
Just a few words that I wrote
It’s hard to look ahead
For this I am very sure
Even sometimes wishing I was dead
This isn’t a cry for attention
Or even close to a suicide note
Just an immersion of contemplation
Just a few words that I wrote
This is how it feels to have FMS. If you have it, I'm virtually sending gentle hugs your way. If you know someone that has it, please, understand it's not what they wanted to happen and not their fault. Love them, and tell them they are loved.
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