The Silence is Deafening
I've always tried to live by the code "Do things for others without expecting anything in return". As a general rule, I've done pretty well by it. I give and it fills my heart with joy. Whether it is a hand made gift, donation, random call or text when I hadn't heard for someone to make sure they were okay, or even throw showers and parties when my pocketbook was empty. I enjoy giving and helping others. Now I know, not everyone is the same, and it is silly to think everyone thinks the same way I do, but I have hit a barrier I'm not quite sure what to do with.
I have had Fibromyalgia, Hidranitis Supporativa, and chronic migraines for about eight years now. During this time, I have continued my code and even done more than before for others. I can not tell you how much time, effort, and money my husband and I have spent doing for others, even when I felt horrible and could barely get out of bed. The past few years have started to really wear on me and my code.
A few months ago, me and my husband had to shut down our business and look for new ways to earn a living. I had been fortunate to work from home, doing the books for our business. I was able to rest when I needed and feel like I was participating in earning a living for us. My husband was able to find a job for about half the income we were making, which was enough to live on with a little left over. We have never been able to save, but we got by. Now we are basically in survival mode. I can currently add severe depression to my list of ailments. Although, I rarely left the house before, I have basically become a recluse. Having chronic illness and no money equals a problem. My husband is gone from 6:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. I am home alone with our 4 dogs and 2 fish tanks.
Everyone I know, friends and family, are aware of our situation. From money to my health, we've not been secret about it. Now back to the "code"...all the years we have given to others to help them and enhance the lives of their children, seem to have been forgotten. There has been only two people to show reciprocation. Two people. My MOTHER and DAUGHTER. How can this be? I truly don't understand how someone can sit by and not even ACKNOWLEDGE my illness. Some have, but have not really cared enough to do any research on my illnesses, even though I have posted many links to sites and asked them to read and better understand why I have backed off of all the things I used to do.
The silence is deafening. The struggle on a daily basis to even shower, do a load of laundry, or vacuum is more than I can handle sometimes. Trying to find a comfortable position to sit or lay down can become a stress all on it's own. I have had the occasional "I hope you feel better soon" or "I'll pray for you", on facebook. If they had bothered to try and understand my illness, they would understand I will never feel better (unless cures are found). That's why it's called chronic. I know they mean well, at least for the 30 seconds it took to type that on facebook.
I'm not sure if I feel so hurt because of the depression, pain, reclusive lifestyle or all three. But none the less I am hurt. I am hurt deep down inside, where I can actually feel it. Like the feeling you get from a death or divorce. It is painful to know, you really aren't regarded. You don't feel special to anyone. I feel like I have been living a life on a different plane than everyone else I know. I think of Job from the bible and he inspires me, but only for a short time. I start to question my faith, but then look forward to being in no pain someday. Sometimes I think the sooner the better.
Is this a cry for help? Hell, I don't fucking know. I don't know anything right now. I just can't fathom all but my husband, mom and daughter really just don't give a shit. And let me tell you, that's a harder pill to swallow than the 8 to 10 pills I already swallow a day.
I have had Fibromyalgia, Hidranitis Supporativa, and chronic migraines for about eight years now. During this time, I have continued my code and even done more than before for others. I can not tell you how much time, effort, and money my husband and I have spent doing for others, even when I felt horrible and could barely get out of bed. The past few years have started to really wear on me and my code.
A few months ago, me and my husband had to shut down our business and look for new ways to earn a living. I had been fortunate to work from home, doing the books for our business. I was able to rest when I needed and feel like I was participating in earning a living for us. My husband was able to find a job for about half the income we were making, which was enough to live on with a little left over. We have never been able to save, but we got by. Now we are basically in survival mode. I can currently add severe depression to my list of ailments. Although, I rarely left the house before, I have basically become a recluse. Having chronic illness and no money equals a problem. My husband is gone from 6:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. I am home alone with our 4 dogs and 2 fish tanks.
Everyone I know, friends and family, are aware of our situation. From money to my health, we've not been secret about it. Now back to the "code"...all the years we have given to others to help them and enhance the lives of their children, seem to have been forgotten. There has been only two people to show reciprocation. Two people. My MOTHER and DAUGHTER. How can this be? I truly don't understand how someone can sit by and not even ACKNOWLEDGE my illness. Some have, but have not really cared enough to do any research on my illnesses, even though I have posted many links to sites and asked them to read and better understand why I have backed off of all the things I used to do.
The silence is deafening. The struggle on a daily basis to even shower, do a load of laundry, or vacuum is more than I can handle sometimes. Trying to find a comfortable position to sit or lay down can become a stress all on it's own. I have had the occasional "I hope you feel better soon" or "I'll pray for you", on facebook. If they had bothered to try and understand my illness, they would understand I will never feel better (unless cures are found). That's why it's called chronic. I know they mean well, at least for the 30 seconds it took to type that on facebook.
I'm not sure if I feel so hurt because of the depression, pain, reclusive lifestyle or all three. But none the less I am hurt. I am hurt deep down inside, where I can actually feel it. Like the feeling you get from a death or divorce. It is painful to know, you really aren't regarded. You don't feel special to anyone. I feel like I have been living a life on a different plane than everyone else I know. I think of Job from the bible and he inspires me, but only for a short time. I start to question my faith, but then look forward to being in no pain someday. Sometimes I think the sooner the better.
Is this a cry for help? Hell, I don't fucking know. I don't know anything right now. I just can't fathom all but my husband, mom and daughter really just don't give a shit. And let me tell you, that's a harder pill to swallow than the 8 to 10 pills I already swallow a day.
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