This day is the worst!

I haven't posted in a while, but today I have to find a way to get past this awful feeling. This week has been a compound of migraines, boils, sore body and extremely painful back.  Add on to that a summer cold. Right now feels like possibly the worst day of my life. I have NEVER felt like "why me?" more than today.

I need to go to the post office and mail a package from a doll I sold. I can barely move from my chair. I have been moaning or crying most of the morning. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it today. Each time I move my head, my neck hurts.If I don't sit still my back hurts. I know this chair can not be good for any of it, but I can't make myself go lay down in bed. All I will do is cry and I don't want to do that. I have a boil on my breast that popped last night and will only drain when I squeeze it. When I do the pain is a 10 and I sweat and feel like I'm going to pass out. Every movement I make is excrutiating. I'm sitting here looking at medical bills that are over due and I'm still waiting to hear how my disability hearing went. It will be another two to three months before I hear. I don't know if I can make it that long. I'm so tired of complaining and being miserable. I really don't know what to do. Meditation works a little while I'm doing it, but I can't meditate all day.

I'm really doing this a basically a diary. I just have to get these feelings out. The only reason I hang on is because of my family.I personally feel like I would be better off sometimes just not fucking being here. I'm so sick of it. Every damn day, I'm so sick of it. My muscles have turned to mush. I have zero strength. I weight almost 200 lbs and I'm only 5;1:. This is complete bullshit.

I am up to a pack and ahalf of cigarettes a day and a pot of coffee. It is the only thing that gives me pleasure. I'm sure it's killing me too, but I don't fucking care at this point. I feel like the soonr the better.

I have always been such a hard worker moved up the chain quickly due to my work ethic. I don't even want to wash a dish, fold a piece of cloth, or vacuum the floor. I find it hard to do even simple math and procrastinate over everything. Who is this lazy piece of shit I have become?

I don't want to burden anyone with my bitching and complaining so I sit here and cry on my own. It's the most lonely feeling ever. I'm never going to get better. I'm never going to fulfill my dreams. I can't be the Wife, mother, daughter, granmother I want to be. I'm just lost. totally lost

I have the ticker tape parade on for the women's soccer team that won. I feel no joy. I am numb or jealous of the people there having a good time. I am so weak right now. I can't sit up straight and I just wish this day was over. Just one day, one hour and one minute at a time. I'm trying. God I'm trying.

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